I'd like to take tonight to step away from the news, and step away from controversial topics to speak about something that I think doesn't have enough good literature out there on it. I want to talk about depression, because it's something that I've dealt with for a long time, and have had a lot of time to think about and come to a general understanding on.
I'm not a psychologist, nor a neural scientist. I can't claim that I know exactly what's going on with the chemicals in the brain, nor can I say I've done a study on these things.
What I can tell you is that I'm a real person with a real problem, and that people with similar issues come to me. Birds of a feather flock together, or so they say.
I feel that depression is something that is widely misunderstood all around. So many people claim that there has to be a cause, a trigger of some sort. Many times when I've told people I have depression, they want to know why. There are those who say my life is good, I have no reason to be depressed. And they're absolutely right, I don't.
Depression doesn't need a trigger. This much science does know. Depression can be triggered by something, or it can be a chemical imbalance in the brain. I do think that chemical imbalance needs a trigger though, but our brains work in such odd ways that I can't even begin to guess at what could trigger such a thing that isn't traumatic.
So I simply tell people I have clinical depression, and they just sort of smile and nod. I know they really don't understand, but they don't often question it either. Those who share what I have understand, and those who don't... well, they just don't get it.
On top of this I also have seasonal depression when winter hits. That is, when the sun is further from the earth, and the color and life is drained from the world around me, I get depressed. I think this is directly related to less Vitamin D in my system (which comes from the sun), and because we as human beings are not really made for cold weather. I also think I have a trigger for it though, possibly, because when I was struggling with the IBS I would often freeze myself by any means necessary to get myself numb to the pain, and fall asleep that way. So now my brain also associates cold with tiredness and discomfort.
Most people understand the seasonal depression though, and so that's not a big deal. A lot of people have it, actually.
But the clinical depression, as I've come to call it... that's the tough one. That's the one that people just don't understand. Some people don't realize they have it. And the solution for it is usually therapy, drugs, or a combination of the two.
I'd like to tell you that neither are necessarily a good option. If you truly need to work out issues, therapy might help--but only if you find a therapist that you can connect with. Any old therapist just won't do. This is evidenced by the fact that I had a therapist, and she tried using reverse psychology on me, and in the end it just made me almost quit school! We weren't a good fit, and I stopped going to see her after three sessions.
The next step was medication. I was put on 25mg of Zoloft to start, and it did work for me. A low dosage is all it takes for me, because I don't take medication if I can help it. So, when I do take it, it's very effective. You're looking at a girl who can kill a cold with children's medication still.
So the Zoloft took the edge off, and made me a functional human being.
Sort of.
You see, while I was happy and able to do day-to-day tasks, I also felt trapped inside my own mind. I often found myself thinking "Wow... this is what it feels like to be normal?" or "If it weren't for the meds, I don't think I'd be doing this..." It was a very weird sensation. So as nice as it was to not always have that nagging feeling tugging at my very essence, urging me to just curl up and ignore the world; feeling much like a living zombie was not that great either.
Still, the medication allowed me to get back on my feet, and I took myself off of it after a year. Had to, because it was driving me crazy.
The difference between myself and most people who take anti-depressants though, is that my doctor stayed in contact with me about them. When they weren't working and I still needed them, we upped the dose. And I went back to see her after a week to make sure they weren't making things worse. She is a doctor who is willing to work with her patients to make sure that things work as they are intended. That is very important in this situation.
These days though I don't take the medication. I've figured out how to fight back against the depression, and not let it control me.
I don't want it to, after all.
Depression is this feeling that burns to your very core, that you have no purpose. It's the feeling of being stuck in one place, watching the world and the people you care about passing you by. It's a feeling that no matter what you do, you can't catch up to those people. You're stuck and trapped, and you can't get out.
It's this feeling that you can't reach out to anyone either, because you have no voice. No matter what you say, no one understands. And when you talk about the problems, most people simply tell you "Chin up, tomorrow is a better day", or offer you a hug and hopes that you feel better. No matter how much you tell them, they can never seem to understand and offer you words of advice. They never seem to be able to truly reach out to you and give you the help you need. No one seems to understand that what you need most is someone who can hold your hand and be there for you when you need to simply cry.
And because no one understands, eventually you learn the ability to speak about things. After all, there is no sense in speaking about it if no one can help anyways. And so you become secluded, locked inside your own mind.
Sometimes you always were locked inside your own mind, never able to really talk about what it is that's bothering you, because you just don't know. And many times people just get fed up with you and ignore the problem. Say you're overly emotional and pass you by.
Depression makes one do strange things, because it causes an inner-numbness.
People do not understand why cutting is such a trend. They don't understand how one can take a knife or razor to their own skin.
I would like to tell you that I cut myself once. And it wasn't difficult to do, even using a dull blade, because I needed to feel something. Depression numbs you from the inside out, until you wonder what it's like to feel. And so you pick up a knife to see if you're really alive.
For some, the pain is an escape. Pain releases endorphins that cloud the mind, and so while they're in pain they can also experience a specific type of euphoria--something that they long for but can't seem to achieve any other way.
And it's for both of these two reasons that cutting is a serious issue, and very addicting. Just like drugs, it's a gateway to what you want.
Depression also messes with the mind. I am a person who has a very sharp mind, and I can remember things that most cannot. I've always been a good student and a quick learner, because my retention rate is so high. But my mother can always tell when I'm depressed, because I get forgetful.
I have spaces in my life that are just lost. I can't even vaguely remember anything. There are just black spots in my memory, where I know something belongs but I couldn't tell you what it is.
The scariest one I have is from right before my depression peaked. I lost six months of time, where I look back and I can't tell you anything that happened. People talk about events, things I was at, and I have no recollection of them. It was just one day I felt like I suddenly woke up, and there was the world around me. But I know that's not the case.
My childhood is very much like that. I can remember my third birthday party a bit, I remember the day my little brother was born. I remember stealing my sister's pacifier and bottle. But there is this large blank area in there. I am told that during that time my family was going through financial issues, and I actually wrote a letter to my grandmother about this. She still has the letter, and I have no memory of it.
I remember too in kindergarten, wondering what would happen if I died.
Looking back on this, I realize I was depressed and suicidal at a young age, I just didn't know it.
So no, depression doesn't necessarily have a trigger. And those who suffer in its grasp are often forlorn, and will exhibit behavior that is odd to their nature. I am one that becomes distant and forgetful. I lose my appetite for the world, and just lay in bed all day doing nothing but living in my own mind.
Others may pursue other things, such as going from one with a lot of morals and decency to a person who just wants to have fun--too much of it. Or perhaps they will start hanging with a different crowd of people, people whom they hope (or claim) understand them better.
But the dangerous ones are the ones like me who reach that suicidal stage. They will make an attempt, no matter how trivial.
For me, it was anorexia. I am not one who could ever take pills, or actually slice a vein open the right way to die, nor hang myself. But anorexia, that was something I could do. Not eating isn't hard when you lack a proper appetite.
And people who are suicidal will reach out to someone, because they never want to die alone. Being alone is the biggest fear one has when depressed, so they will try to keep at least one person around as much as possible. And it really is usually just one person, be it a friend, a lover, or a family member. Sometimes it's as small as a pet.
That said, it probably seems like those of us with depression are hopeless cases. But I did say that I had found ways to battle depression.
The biggest thing is a normal schedule. Rather than letter yourself become nocturnal, and sleeping as you please, you have to set a schedule and stick to it. Vitamin D is the most important thing to keep depression at bay, and that means being up in the daylight.
The regular schedule will also program your brain, which helps in its own way.
I've also found that to trigger more endorphins, safely, exercise is huge. Many people probably don't believe that exercise is good for depression, but it is. However, not just any old exercise will do! Going to the gym and running on the treadmill for an hour is not going to make the depression go away if you hate it. The key to the exercise is finding an activity you enjoy, and sticking to it. For me, it's martial arts and belly dance. Sometimes I also work out with my boyfriend, but it's not my key.
It's also good to find a way to express yourself. Something that lets you get the emotions out, and share them, without being laughed at. That's why many people who are a part of a creative field are often those who suffer from depression--any form of art (theatre, drawing, painting, writing, ect) often lets them express what they need to say. For me, it's photography, and belly dance even. For someone else it could be acting, or singing, or even writing.
Speaking of writing, keeping a personal journal is a good idea too. And not one on the computer necessarily, but a physical one. I just use composition notebooks. Writing out how you're feeling, without fear of people giving you those strange looks or telling you you're crazy, allows you to adequately get things off your chest and mind. And physically writing just works so much better in my eyes.
Those who are depressed are also going to look for that one person they can confide in, though this is the trickiest part. This person has to be someone that they can completely trust to not make fun of them, and not just abandon them. They're a person that will do everything to try and help them, and really listen to what they say. A true, true friend.
If you are that person though, do not be afraid to turn your friend into a counselor if you think they are going to try to kill themselves! While the person may hate you at first, in time they will thank you. If you're feeling up to the task, try to be their mentor to keep living. But I warn you, this is not an easy burden to bear.
The next thing to keep in mind, is that diet can control your mood. Yes, chocolate and ice cream may make you feel good, but they do nothing for your health. So if you're not eating right, and are constantly sick, you're not going to be happy. At least trying to eat better is a way to keep depression at bay.
These are definitely not end-all-be-all methods though, and they probably don't work for everyone. However, they can make depression manageable so you can keep living, and try to stay above it. It's not perfect though, and you will slip here and there. I do still.
Really, I fully believe that there is no cure for depression, because it's not really a disease. It's just how a person is. We don't really understand it all that well, so we can't do much for it. But at least if we can get people to understand that it's a struggle, and to be able to help, it won't be as much of an issue.
Because those who are depressed do not want to be medicated zombies, which is what many mental health clinics do to people. Nor do they want a therapist that just tells them they're wrong in how they think.
It's a delicate balance to find, and even more difficult to maintain. But once you get in a groove, it's much easier to do and you find that you're hooked on what it has to offer, so you keep going.
I have, in essence, become my own best friend and worst enemy when it comes to my depression. I've spent countless hours wondering on it, diagnosing it within myself, and coming to solutions for it. Because of this I'm great for myself because I can help myself rise above it. But I am my own worst enemy because sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I stated before, too, that birds of a feather flock together. Well, for whatever reason I attract other people who, like me, have clinical depression and need someone to reach out to. In high school, and even college, my teachers would often joke that I should charge for my time. If they only knew how serious the things were I were listening to, I don't think they'd have joked about it.
Through listening to people, and my own experiences, I've learned who I must cut loose, and who I can help. I know what to look for in people, to give them ideas to help themselves. I've basically become very empathetic, and I feel that because of this people seek out my friendship.
I've always wanted to help people, so I think it's ironic that for years I was also searching for someone to help me, and never finding that person.
Now I help myself, and have a boyfriend who can be my support. And so I let this spread to others as I support them.
And as I have helped others, I hope that this particular entry helps even more people. If not those who are depressed, then those who don't understand it. I'd like to hope that if you're not depressed, that you come away with an understanding of it so that you can help someone who is. And I hope that if you're finding as you read this that perhaps you are someone fighting with depression, that my advice helps you to find your way back to happiness.
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